Sunday, March 23, 2014

Is it normal to have sexual fantasies?


 The Apex Court recently gave a ruling in the favour of live-ins, but youngsters living in Nagpur are still rather coy about such relationships, because in this close-knit, traditional society, they are still frowned upon.

But, the youngsters migrating to the city for higher studies or job opportunities are going in for live-ins. What works in the favour of these relations? And what are their flip sides? NT unravels this phenomenon...

Less commitment, lesser legal hassles

The youngsters feel that there's no need to get married when they can get everything that marriage has to offer without tying the knot. Echoing this thought is a 20-year-old student, Alok Varma (name changed on request) from Betul, who says: "The biggest benefit is the freedom you get in a live-in relationship. I have been in a live-in for a year and it is so convenient. Even if the charm goes out of a relationship, there is no problem. You can just pack your bags and move out, leaving behind a thank you message. What can be more convenient?"



It's complicated

However cool it may sound, the fact is that live-in isn't a cakewalk.Jyoti and Anuj (name changed on request), two youngsters from Jabalpur, who came to Nagpur together for further studies, were in a live-in relationship. They even enrolled in the same college in Nagpur. While everything seemed rosy in the beginning, after sometime, their relationship started stagnating and the duo decided to call it quits. When asked the reason, Jyoti says: "Things had gone to extremes for both of us. Too much possessiveness was leading to too much fuss all the time and we had become quite vulnerable. Finally, we called it off."

Though youngsters coming from outside Nagpur are usually away from family's pulls and pressures , sometimes, the fear factor and pressure from the family also plays havoc with such relationships. "I had to back off from a live-in relationship because my parents were uncomfortable about the fact that I would live with a guy without marrying him," says Seema Agrawal (name changed), a 24-year-old fashion designer, who came to Nagpur from Amravati to make a career.

Age and maturity are important 



Social taboos and family pressure notwithstanding, live-ins can work, if two consenting adults take this decision in a very mature manner. Anita Sharma, a teacher at a city school, says, "I'm not against such a relationship between two consenting, adult individuals. But, the fact remains that the people involved should be mentally ready for such a relationship. The youngsters today thoughtlessly go for a live-in and later regret their hasty decision. This is a very sensitive relationship. Who is to blame if anything goes wrong? Seeing the body language of youngsters today, I'm totally astounded. There is no point taking a rash decision and wailing over it later."


Dr. Sanjay Chugh answers
Question: I am a 24-year-old man. I have been going around with a girl for the last two years and we had sex for the first time a few weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience for both of us and we have been intimate several times thereafter, using all precautions, so that she does not get pregnant. 

However, I find myself indulging in a lot of sexual fantasies when we are having sex and otherwise as well. I am worried that there might be something wrong with me. Recently, I discussed this with my girlfriend who said that she also had found herself having these fantasies when she was not with me. With this, my worries have increased further as I start thinking that I might not have been able to satisfy her sexually. 

What should I do? Do I or both of us need to consult you to get rid of these fantasies? Please advise. 

Answer: Let me give you a backgrounder on sexual fantasising to allay all your anxieties at one go. It is a completely natural and universal psychological phenomenon similar to dreaming. And, like with dreams, some sexual fantasies are gratifying, enjoyable and satisfying, while others may trouble us a lot. 
Fantasies that improve self-esteem and intimacy with a partner are usually the most desirable. Lest anyone feel that it is a male bastion or prerogative, women too experience an amazing range of fantasies as I have gathered over my years in this field! And women use sexual fantasy in some very clever ways to make themselves feel sexier, reach orgasm, safely satisfy their curiosity, and even relax. 
When life presents changes or challenges, we can also draw on sexual fantasy, as on pleasant memories, to provide a temporary escape or safe haven. Having said all this, there are times when such fantasising can get out of hand. 
To help you to evaluate whether, and to what extent, a particular fantasy may be causing problems, ask yourself the following questions — does the fantasy lead to risky or dangerous behaviour? Does the fantasy feel out of control or compulsive? Is the content of the fantasy disturbing or repulsive? Does the fantasy hinder recovery or personal growth? Does the fantasy lower your self-esteem or block self-acceptance? Does the fantasy distance you from your real life partner? 
Does the fantasy harm your intimate partner or anyone else? Does the fantasy cause sexual problems? 
If the answer to any of these is yes, then maybe you need to drop in for a chat. Otherwise, chill and keep on with what you are doing to good effect! 

For those interested in knowing the culture of pornography or the nature of sexual fantasy, here comes a first-ever "dedicated" porn journal. 

Named as 'Porn Studies', the open-access journal is an "international, peer-reviewed journal to critically explore cultural products and services designated as pornographic", its London-based publisher Routledge said. 

According to the journal's editors, pornography studies are still in their infancy and the new journal would focus "on developing knowledge of pornographies past and present, in all their variations and around the world". 

The first edition has two key papers titled 'Psychology and pornography: some reflections' and 'Gonzo, trannys, and teens - current trends in the US adult content production, distribution and consumption'. 

According to Los Angeles-based independent scholar Chauntelle Anne Tibbals, who wrote the second paper, 'Gonzo' porn, loosely scripted porn in which the actors break the wall to interact with the cameraman or audience, is common today, in part because it is cheap to produce. 

"Web-based pornographic clips and live-streamed, interactive shows are increasingly getting popular," Tibbals was quoted as saying in media reports. 

The internet has also enabled the rise of niche porn which caters to particular audiences. 

'Porn Studies' is open-access journal for a limited period only so you can read all papers for free in the inaugural issue online, said Routledge, a global publisher of academic books, journals and online resources.











































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