It's hard to admit, and take action, when abuse happens in your marriage. My therapist was a saint, patiently listening to my story session after session, until finally one day she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "What's it going to take? Is he going to have to kill you?" That was my "aha" moment.
Problem was, I had a hard time seeing myself as a "victim." That was something that happened to others, not me. I'd landed in therapy because I was shell-shocked to learn my then husband had a mistress and "love" child. I was struggling with the "should I leave or should I stay" question while desperately trying to do all I could to save my marriage. Being raised Catholic, divorce was not in my plan. And, I was not ready to admit I'd chosen a man who abused me.
To put the shame of being a victim of domestic violence in perspective, the truth is I could tell people my ex-to-be had fathered a child with his mistress years before I could admit to physical abuse. In my mind, the child was his fault and the abuse was mine. To this day, I kind of mumble the words "abusive marriage." Sad thing is, I am not alone.
I've worked with many clients who are struggling with upscale abuse. Smart, educated, beautiful, gifted women who are shocked to piece together the fact they are in an abusive marriage. Most don't have the "victim" mentality and are mortified to find that yes, they are victims of domestic violence. These women succeed at most things, so it's excruciatingly painful that they can't make their marriage work.
Often they are married to powerful, high earning men. Many have given up promising careers at their spouse's unrelenting pressure. Compassionate moms, they do all they can to protect their children from the dad's emotional and/or physical abuse. They create beautiful homes, become a super volunteer, and do whatever they can to "make their husband look good." They are so busy they don't see how their spouse is slowly, but surely, chipping away at their soul.
Then one day they wake up and realize they can no longer perpetuate the "happily-ever-after" myth. Perhaps their spouse has had an affair, cut them off financially, grabbed them by the throat, or their survival instincts tell them they better make a plan to get out before it's too late.
When kids are involved, a new wrinkle is added. Many women (or men) stay to protect their children from time alone with an abusive parent. Others have extreme guilt at breaking up their family. What they don't realize is that it is exposure to conflict, and witnessing abuse, that harms children not divorce or loosing a privileged lifestyle. When a child sees a parent get hit, yelled at or criticized the child unknowingly experiences it as something happening to him/her. So if you are staying for the children, studies show you are doing them more harm than good.
If you can identify, get a copy of Susan Weitzman's book Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages or check out nottopeoplelikeus.com. Knowing you are not alone is so crucial to getting out. In your world that swirls with "unreals" and craziness, you'll find this book/site a gift of validation. You'll know you are not crazy.
Also visit The Weitzman Center and download the free Care Kit provided. It too will help you understand and safely plan for when you are ready to get out. And plan you must. When you leave a high earning, narcissistic professional you can be in for quite a rough ride through the legal system. Often the upscale abuser has the means, power and leverage to hire a legal dream team and use the courts to further the abuse.
I know. My ex was a surgeon and Ivy League grad. He used our money to hire a bully of an attorney and his credentials gave him status in the Courts. That's a story for another day. In the meantime, visit these sites. If you can identify contact me (info@brilliantexits.com). We need to talk. You are not alone.
HYDERABAD: Police on Saturday arrested an MBA student for selling pornographic DVDs and blackmailing five girls. They also seized a laptop, two cellphones and porn DVDs from his possession.
K Harshavardhan, who is pursuing MBA at Siva Shivani Institute of Management, Kompalli in Ranga Reddy district is a native of Baireddipatteda, Tirupati of Chittoor district. He completed B Tech (Electronics) from Sri Vidyaniketan, Chittoor. After that, he enrolled for MBA at Siva Shivani and was staying at Room No: 114, Siva Shivani Hostel. The college management had planned a tour to Bangkokto first year students of MBA. His parents expressed their inability to give him money for the tour.
As Harshavardhan was keen on going on the tour, he hatched a plan of selling porno videos to known friends and their known persons to earn money for the Bangkok trip. Accordingly, he copied porno clippings on to DVDs and started selling them to known friends at Rs 250 for each DVD. So far, he had sold nearly 45 porno DVDs, according to an official release.
Apart from this, Harshavardhan had trapped five girls, who were pursuing their PG course, under the guise of friendship and had sexual relations with some of them. He used to video graph sexual acts with the girls without their knowledge. To cope up with his lavish lifestyle, he started blackmailing the girls by mailing their photos.
The arrested person along with the seized property was handed over to Sanjeevareddy Nagar policefor further investigation.
While a little indulgence doesn't harm anyone, constantly giving into your craving for graphic visual stimuli may do more long-term damage than you can imagine
A man married for 10 years, and father of two, approached a doctor due to his sudden and peculiar inability to get an erection. While all tests proved normal, psychotherapy revealed an age-old fetish. As a teenager, the man had been accidentally exposed to his older cousin changing clothes. The visual stimulated him to such a degree that he masturbated to the memory of that image throughout his life, including when he was with his wife. After many years, when he met his cousin again, post two children she had put on weight and become 'unattractive' in his words. The sight of the new unflattering figure of his cousin ruined his memory thereby incapacitating him to get an erection. His treatment required a lot of counselling and therapy and he had to be retaught the art of stimulation.
Behind closed doors; on dimly lit computer screens in seedy cyber cafes; in hostel dorm rooms under heavy bedding; and in computer folder's aptly named 'system files', usually lie pages and pages and countless gigabytes of pornography. It's not the highest grossing industry in the world for nothing. It has takers across generations, nationalities and kink quotients.
While most wives and girlfriends either accept it, relish it or chose to ignore it, porn in some form can be found lurking around most homes.
Studies reveal a condition called Sexual Attention D e f i c i t Disorder or S A D D, where over exposure or over indulgence to visual stimuli such as pornography, makes it difficult for a man to have a healthy sexual relationship with his partner. His stimulus is triggered by visual or graphic images instead of an actual woman, making it impossible to sustain intercourse. Dr Rajan Bhonsle, the HOD of sexual medicine at KEM hospital elaborates on the condition and describes the impact that pornography and the like, have on mature adult relationships.
Kink express
SADD can be traced back to three basic sources, the first being a burn-out.
Throughout a man's teenage years, over-exposure to porn and its explicit forms such as pedophilia, multiple orgies, voyeurism, etc. develop acute insensitivity towards the act of making love. The initial reaction to perverse material, which is what most pornography constitutes, is of shock. But over time, it turns to acceptance and enjoyment. This develops into a need for more deviant variety to keep the stimulus sustained.
Gratification through usually masturbation based on visual stimuli, make it difficult for a man to be aroused or stimulated by his partner in bed. This plays havoc in most marriages or relationships since even a very responsive woman is unable to replicate the mood or manoeuvres of what the man is usually attuned to.
While it is not difficult to recover from any addiction, a sexual burn-out is particularly tricky. It takes a lot of time and energy to stay away from sex and channel your sexual energy elsewhere. This is also the primary reason why boys should be dissuaded from over-exposing themselves to pornographic material at a young age.
Another common cause for SADD between couples is due to the multiple partners the man has before he commits to a monogamous relationship. The multiple variety of partners give them a beenthere-done-that attitude towards sex which makes it very difficult for a woman with a normal sex drive to stimulate her partner. The man's premarital activity supersedes all sexual expectations he may have from his current partner thereby making it very difficult to sustain or enjoy a healthy physical relationship.
It's a fix
Peculiar fetishes and fixations, like the one mentioned earlier, are another reason why men are unable to perform in bed. Many a times, the visual image of what sort of woman or what specifications of a figure stimulate a man may not exactly match that of their partner.
This leads to disappointment and an inability to find them sexually attractive. While therapy is a common cure, counselling and exercises with your partner through communication greatly aid in rebuilding the idea of sexual attraction for
How to cut back
- Give yourself a break. Save the sexual excitement for your partner and decrease the frequency of masturbation. When you do self-service, try using your nondominant hand. Since you wont apply the same level of physical intensity, you wont be as easily numbed to the sensations of intercourse.
- Back off the porn. When you masturbate, use your own memory of sex and your own erotic history to stimulate yourself instead of relying on other visual images.
- Connect with your partner. Share fantasies, experiment with role play and involve her in your thought process. Get yourself and her to a point of physical and mental arousal by sharing your thoughts with her. Step away from the computer.
Romantic relationships are said to reach dizzying heights when fostered by sexual compatibility. Gone are the days when sexual incompatibility could cause a typhoon in the sea of marital bliss. Today, this can be said even of unmarried couples who are sexually active. Physical intimacy is the cornerstone of any romantic relationship. When a partner in a relationship experiences aversion to physical intimacy, it causes severe strain.
Definition: Aversion is basically an unconscious physiological association of a particular behaviour with a severe unpleasant emotional experience, and therefore, sexual aversion is the negative emotional reaction to sex.
Sexual aversion is defined as 'Persistent or recurring aversion to or avoidance of sexual activity.' This is found to be more common among women than men.
Clinical psychologist, trauma and marital therapist Seema Hingorrany says, "There are a number of reasons why people lose interest in sex. It is normal to experience a loss of desire during menopause; directly after the birth of a child; before or during menstruation; during recovery from an illness or surgery; and during such major or stressful life changes as death of a loved one, job loss, retirement or divorce. These are considered normal causes for fluctuations in sexual desire and are generally temporary." These reasons should not be confused with sexual aversion. 
Relationship expert Rachna Kothari explains, "Sexual aversion is usually a conditioned behaviour, where if you have experienced something negative pertaining to sex, you might become so fearful that you will inadvertently associate those negative experiences with forthcoming similar encounters."
Causes:
Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist says, "Nobody is born sexually averse. Restricted, prudish ideas of sex and sexuality create tremendous anxiety and guilt. This is evident during puberty when parents shy away from talking about the healthy aspects of sex with their children."
Traumatic experiences like rape, incest, molestation or other forms of sexual abuse also cause sexual aversion disorder. Some people have no history of trauma but may have imbibed negative sexual attitudes. These fears may intrude and prevent them from enjoying a healthy sexual relationship. Sometimes, pain during or after intercourse experienced by women, called dyspareunia, which can have physical and/or emotional causes, might be the reason for sexual aversion, says Hingorrany. Inadequate knowledge of sexuality and human sexual anatomy, and dislike of one's partner might be other reasons for such aversions.
Effects: People suffering from sexual aversion have low self-esteem and are socially insecure. They have a tendency to feel anxious and depressed too. Kothari says, "They feel isolated and generally turn pessimistic in nature. They might also experience panic attacks with the mere thought of contact or when faced with a similar situation."
"Relationships are often fraught with sexual difficulties. Non-consummated relations, unfulfilled sexual desires, lack of ability to attain pleasure in contact and sometimes no sexual contact between partners for years are some difficulties that exist with people who suffer from sexual aversion," says Chulani. 
Hingorrany says that counselling can help resolve relationship difficulties and individual therapy like cognitive behaviour therapy can help couples work on personal issues. Therapy for sexual aversion disorder can be very successful if people are willing to attend regular counselling sessions. Communication training helps couples learn how to talk to one another, show empathy, resolve differences sensibly, respect each other's feelings, learn how to express anger in a positive way, reserve time for activities together, and show affection, in order to encourage sexual desire.
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