You Never Know What's Going To Turn Someone On
The sexiness of the pasties, we get. The chain that links them, we get, in a sexist, sadomasochistic kind of way. The lace edging, even the hearts, okay. But those puffball poodles painted on? Consider us baffled.
First time sexual encounters tend to be distressing if handled incorrectly and with improper sexual knowledge.
To help you prepare for your first time at sex, Dr. Pulkit Sharma, Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalytical Therapist, Vimhans, shares the top 8 things to keep in mind for first time sex.
Safety first: A lot of people feel very emotional and passionate about the first time sex and indeed the passion should be enjoyed but not at the cost of safety. Use condoms to keep away from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Choose a reliable partner who cares for you rather than going in for a casual sex encounter as the latter might be unsafe and risky.
Don't have very high expectations: While many people wish the first time to be a magical and memorable experience, it may not be so. Learning to have good sex is a skill, which develops over time. Having very high expectations can make you feel hurt and disappointed.
Don't forget to enjoy foreplay: Even though you may be anxious or excited do not jump to it. Take your time and give the other person time to warm up by an extended foreplay. For the first time, the more foreplay you do, the better it is.
Make sure you are amply aroused before intercourse: You need to be amply aroused before intercourse. Otherwise the first time sex can be painful and disastrous.
Don't assume that he's the expert: More often than not, men like to boast that they are experts at sex because they are often ashamed to admit their insecurity and inexperience. So, do not assume that he's the expert. Communicate your desires with your partner and ensure that it isn't always him or her leading.
Don't fake it: Many people fake being satisfied in order to please their partner. Such a step can breed resentment and eventually spoil your relationship, so make sure you are not faking it. For the first-timers faking orgasm is a big no-no!
Don't expect to have an orgasm: Although orgasm heightens pleasure, you can still enjoy sexual experience without it. Do not expect orgasm, if it happens it is good, if not then just go with the flow and enjoy the experience.
Will it hurt or will I be a good lover? First time sex may hurt a little and that does not mean that you are not a good lover. But if you feel hurt be open and frank in communicating it. If you have a sensitive partner they will be able to understand and take care.
If you've willingly boycotted the 'Commitments-cum-Expectations' camp long back, 'Friends with Benefits' (FWBs) is probably the thing you're looking for.
For your frame of reference, this fad defines a mutually beneficial relationship between two friends who indulge in casual sex with no bonds or expectations involved. In an age when all that people think of is adding digits to their bank balance, this trend has become quite a rage. Commitment might have taken a backseat but the desire for pleasure never will.
On being asked reasons as to why this trend has come into being, relationship therapist, Rachna Kothari says "Some reasons would be, the mere known fact that two friends are physically attracted to each other and can benefit each other (most often sexually), the want of pleasure or feeling of loneliness in a person or exes wanting to be in a physical relationship with no label attached. For those who believe they live in a culture that pursues individualism as the highest goal, it makes this relationship more pragmatic. Because there is no commitment or responsibility, one is free from feelings of hurt, pain, etc. and this can be a very honest and practical way of going about in relationships."
It is for sure, considering how comfortable one is with the idea, 'Friends with Benefits' is not a bad way to go about relationships. But then again, it is not all that easy. Here are certain dos and don'ts while being a FWBs.
Most times, in such a relationship, it is difficult to maintain proximity after you're done with your physical needs. Don't hook up with someone you are extremely close to or someone you can't do without on a regular basis. People generally say that women tend to fall in love with their partners after getting physical. But studies break that myth. It is normal that the moment you have had sexual intercourse, the body naturally emits hormones which generate feelings of love and affection. Sometimes, one of the partners agrees to being 'friends with benefits' just because they have feelings for the other and think that having casual sex would actually initiate sparks for the onset of a relationship. This can lead to heartbreak or a break in friendship or, in a worse scenario, both.
If, god willing, you fall in love at some point, this past phase can provoke doubt in your current relationship. FWBs can be a human interference when you're in a real relationship. Your current love can actually be insecure (and we see no fault in that) because of this so-called past-bed-buddy. If the FWB is an acquaintance, it's easy to break ties once you both have satisfied your physical needs.
Remember, it's about having an unspoken agreement between you and your friend to have occasional sex, leaving out the emotional baggage. You both should acknowledge this. Make sure the signal 'We're not lovers' is clear. Don't nestle or cuddle everytime you get an opportunity. Even sympathy sex is a no-no. This paves way to wanting more than just sex.
Rachna Kothari says, "Mutually, if two friends agree that there's no expectations, no commitments, then it's not detrimental because their attitudes are set right for this. But for those who believe that lovemaking and not mechanical sex is what's important, it is obviously detrimental as it violates every bit of their expectations."
Make sure the intimacy of this relationship is just between the two of you, without making it a public deal. Don't brag about what a love muffin you are. The friendship could be gone with the wind.
Comfort is the key word while being FWBs. You need not be worried about concealing that birthmark which you've always disliked, or those flabs you couldn't lose in the gym or whether you will perform well in bed. Just enjoy the moments without fretting much.
Most importantly, play safe. Don't just hook up without taking precautions. A bubbly night or a stressful day should be no excuse to not use protection before sex. Make sure you don't end up panic struck because of this risky relationship.
Maintaining friends with sexual benefits can be quite a hassle unless you stick by the ground rules. There is no harm being offbeat in relationships, but not acting in accordance to the rules would just lead to your life going haywire.
Many estranged couples choose to separate, but not divorce. Seema Sinha meets some to discover how they negotiate their parallel lives
Breaking all convention, Babita decided to walk out of the Kapoor household along with her two daughters, Karisma and Kareena. Reportedly, Babita could not cope with the larger-than-life figure of Randhir's father and filmmaker Raj Kapoor over his life. Decades later, Randhir Kapoor and Babita continue to remain husband and wife, though leading separate lives. "Randhir Kapoor believes in the sanctity of marriage. He has always said that she is the mother of their daughters," says Madhu Jain, author of Kapoors: The First Family of Indian Cinema.
The love has faded, but the couple is wary of looking for new partners. In another case, Ratna Adarkar (name changed) and her husband of 25 years have decided to live a life of compromise, sans the "hassles" of divorce. These are not the only ones who are choosing to stay in the twilight area between marriage and divorce. According to the experts, breaking up is hard — and expensive!
Long after romance is dead, a separation or "non-divorce" offers a happier alternative. Sometimes, they stay together to avoid the expenses of a new household. Actor Saif Ali Khan reportedly decided to divorce Amrita Singh only after his career zoomed with Dil Chahta Hai. Till then, they lived under the same roof, though they remained emotionally distant, reveals a veteran film journalist.
There are no hard statistics, but some divorce experts say they're seeing more of this phenomenon. Says psychiatrist Rajendra Barve, "This gives them space, minus the commitment, which is like having their cake and eating it, too. They may also want to avoid the 'stigma' of divorce."Remarks psychiatrist Kersi Chawda, "If neither plans to marry again, they may simply want to avoid the expenses and time that goes into legally ending their marriage."
Prominent actress Raakhee Gulzar and her writer- director husband Gulzar are one such couple, who have lived separately for years. Says senior film journalist Dinesh Raheja, "Their daughter Bosky kept them bonded. Gulzar and Raakhee would meet for her sake, attend PTA meetings together." In fact, when Gulzar won an Oscar for his contribution to the film Slumdog Millionaire, Raakhee commented that "her husband" was the best.
One of the most glaring examples in Bollywood is of high-profile star couple Rajesh Khanna and Dimple Kapadia, who also chose the middle path of 'non-divorce'. In the 80s, both the auburn-haired gorgeous Dimple as well as the yesteryear superstar wanted divorce, but when Rajesh Khanna began dodging Dimple's demand for financial security for her young daughters, the actress too refused to sign the divorce papers. "Her daughter Twinkle, in her teens then, strongly felt that her parents shouldn't be living together," says the veteran journalist.
Adds Dinesh, "But over the years, the bitterness between Rajesh and Dimple washed away. I have seen them enjoy a party together and found them very comfortable in each other's company. Dimple campaigned for him during elections and also worked in his film. I guess it has worked out for them living separately rather than coming home to be with each other."
Explains a marriage counsellor, "A couple may not legally divorce for the children's sake, or if there is the issue of division of wealth and inheritance. They may also want to keep up appearances in society."
Relationship experts say the arrangement can allow partners to discreetly date other people while keeping up an illusion of marriage for children and the community at large. And finances, significantly, stay intact. "They are really making pragmatic, businesslike decisions for their marriage," point out experts. Also, with both partners working, not all women care for alimony.
But, it may not always turn out favourable. Married for three years and separated for a year, Anandita, an investment banker, who has a one-year-old daughter, feels embittered and cheated by her philandering husband. "He has not filed for divorce and I don't want to either, because I don't want to remarry. I can't have a stranger in my life. When my daughter grows up, I don't want her to blame me for the separation," says Anandita, who is stuck with responsibilities while her husband has it easy.
Talking about the rights of women in such a situation, women's right lawyer Flavia Agnes, points out that women can claim maintenance and demand their right to stay in the same house. "Often, when men decide to remarry, they pressurise their spouse for divorce. Here, the wife can negotiate for a good settlement, a lump sum amount and shelter in the same house," says Flavia. A marriage counsellor adds that she has witnessed couples staying together despite disagreements to claim benefits of medical and pension plans.
However, can the so-called "non-divorced" ever move on emotionally? The emotional and legal closure of an official divorce may forever elude them. They can also find themselves in a difficult spot when one or both partners begin to seriously date again.
It's also financially risky, point out the experts. A partner who no longer lives with you can still ruin your finances or put you in debt. On the other hand, if you gain assets, your partner could still legally claim half.
Their status is definitely complicated!