Chua SoilED Lek and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, at 62, has a notoriously active sex-life Advanced age is no reason to give up bedroomactivities,“Interesting, very interesting!” That was my reaction to the news that an NRI brother of a friend of mine was getting hitched. Before you deem it an inappropriate reaction—which in the first instance it is bound to seem—let me tell you why I reacted the way I did.Actually, he is a dynamic, ambitious and qualified young man with a highly paid job in the USA. and, therefore, a “prize catch”, if ever there was one. So his parents lived in constant dread of having a “firangi bahu” imposed upon them, but their son’s expressed wish to get him an Indian bride had quelled their fears and gladdened their hearts. And the search was on.
Bodily changes
During menopause, the cells responsible for lubrication inside the vagina erode. As a result, it takes longer for a woman to be aroused. "The hormonal changes may make her irritable and she may abstain from sex because she doesn't feel like it," says Watsa. "Intercourse without proper lubrication can be very painful. The size of the cervix, uterus and ovaries also decreases. The anticipation before an orgasm also decreases, and they may be less intense." For men, erection problems after the age of 50 are common. The erection may not be as strong, the force of ejaculation also decreases and the recovery between ejaculations may take 12 to 24 hours. "Men get disheartened when they are unable to sustain an erection like before, and may abstain from sex rather than risk 'disappointing' their wives," says Watsa. "So they take to masturbation. If and when he gets an erection, the man will run to his wife to make use of the timing. At that time, she may not be aroused and intercourse can hurt her." Have better sex Intercourse is not the goal Inserting the penis inside the vagina need not be the primary aim for the elderly. "The sexual centre in the brain focuses heavily around the genitals till your 40s," says Watsa. As reproduction needs are met by this age, physiological changes take place. But you can still reach an orgasm by other means, such as togetherness. Touching and feeling each other can develop intimacy, which will help kindle lost sexual desire. Despite advanced age, clitoral sensitivity remains the same. Massaging each other's private parts, indulging in oral sex and having a bath together can be sexually satisfying. Use stimulation
"This is the only time in your life when erotica will be legitimately helpful," says Dr Watsa. It can act as a stimulant and get you excited quicker than expected. So play out your fantasies and don't be ashamed of your age. Artificial stimulators Sexual stimulators, such as suction pumps, cost around Rs 15-20,000 and are available with a doctor's prescription. The pump is worn around the penis as it creates suction and helps those with erection problems. In another procedure, elastic rods are surgically implanted into the penis. This is beneficial for those who do get an erection at all or take hours to achieve it. The rod gives the man a permanent erection and allows him to use it when required; and tuck it down, when he doesn't. Tablets such as Viagra are widely available, but they must be consumed only with a doctor's prescription as they can have sideeffects. Research is underway for similar tablets for women.
Vibrators, which are not legally available in India, can be very useful to cause arousal. "You can buy a massage kit from the market, which comes equipped with a vibrator like device," says Watsa.
Eat healthy
If you have had an unhealthy lifestyle in your youth, there are high chances that your sex life in old age will be affected. "You can't start eating a balanced diet suddenly and expect results the next day," says Watsa. "You have to begin eating healthy, exercising regularly at a young age and continue to do so till the end. If you have maintained your health and enjoyed a healthy sex life in your younger years, you are likely to do so afterwards as well. Consuming alcohol or cigarettes on social occasions does not cause harm."
Adapt sexual positions Sex can be a painful and irritable experience for those suffering from arthritis, back problems, heart conditions, diabetes or any other disease. Changing positions can make intercourse an enjoyable experience. For instance, the woman-ontop position is suitable for those suffering from a cardiac condition. Consult a sexologist to get advice on the position suitable to your specific health condition. Live-in relationships, popular among youngsters who want to check compatibility with their partners before marriage, has found favour with the elderly as well.A lull in bedroom activity can be due to physical ailments. Here's a guide on coping Sex is something most of us want, especially if we're in loving relationships. But of course, it's not always as easy as it sounds, and health problems can be behind a lot of men's struggles. Here's a look at some of the most common sex problems challenging men, and how you can make it right... Trouble keeping up Most men suffer from erection problems at some time in their lives, but if you find it hard to achieve and maintain erections on a regular basis you may need to swallow your pride and visit your doctor. The good news is, they will be able to help.
Fix it These days, the prospects for sufferers of what is known as Erectile Dysfunction (ED) has improved enormously - even for men over 60. ED can have physical causes, including diabetes, and be an indicator of serious problems like heart disease, so it's important to see your doctor about it. Other common triggers include stress, exhaustion and depression. Your doctor may also suggest counselling, with or without your partner, sometimes in tandem with a drug to help kick-start the process.
Good maintenance To keep in good erectile health, you should keep fit, with regular exercise three times per week. Try to get a good night's sleep and cut down on alcohol. Avoid cigarettes altogether, as nicotine narrows the all important blood vessels in the penis. Sex drive stuck in low gear A temporary loss of sex drive happens more often than you may think and for a multitude of reasons. A lowered libido can be the result of an underlying health problem such as high blood pressure, obesity or anaemia, but more often the trigger is purely psychological and linked to stress. Fix it If your libido refuses to rev after yet another day at work, it may not just be that you're tired. It could be your nervous system is too flooded with stress hormones to produce the hormones involved in sexual response, such as testosterone. While there are no drugs for loss of libido, you should always see your doctor in the first Low sperm count While a low sperm count doesn't affect your sexual performance, it can make starting a family difficult, and with a rising incidence rate it's one aspect of sexual health you shouldn't ignore. Some 20 years ago, research by a Danish scientist, Professor Skakkebaek, suggested that sperm counts had fallen by about a half over 50 years and scientists have been puzzling over the causes ever since.
But while environmental factors such as pollution often take the blame, the truth is your own lifestyle choices have a major role to play.
Fix it
Recent studies have found plenty of evidence tying obesity to low sperm counts. So lose weight if you need to. Conversely, a balanced diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables, rich in vitamin C, and shellfish, for the zinc, is known to have a positive effect on sperm quality. Boxer shorts are a better choice than briefs for the same reason.The first-ever public function to help 50-plus men and women from across India find live-in companions will be held on November 20 at Mehndi Nawaz Jung Hall in Ahmedabad. Organizer Natubhai Patel, who runs Vina Mulya Amulya Sewa, an organization created to help arrange marriages of lonely senior citizensin the country, says the concept of live-in relationships has interested a lot of elderly, who are shy of getting married again fearing legal wrangles and succession disputes. Also, many seniors are wary of being stuck with an incompatible partner in old age."Of the 3,000-odd applications, nearly 1,000 prefer finding a live-in partner who will keep them company without inviting social and legal complications associated with marriage. Most women still prefer marriage but many say they are fine with live-in companions if they provide them financial security," Patel said.Asha Pandya, a 51-year divorcee in Vejalpur, is keen to find a partner with whom she can live to the fullest, watching movies, eating out and travelling. "Once bitten, twice shy, I do not want to get into a marriage without knowing if my relationship with the man will work or not. However, I need financial security and want the partner to put some money in my name first," said Pandya, who confesses to feeling lonely after her only daughter got married.Alpesh Parikh, 61, a retired bank officer who draws a pension of Rs 16,000 is also looking for a live-in partner. "I live with my son and daughter-in-law and need a companion. I am ready to move out if I find the right partner. I would like to get married only if I am comfortable," said Parikh.Patel said all men and women above 50 years of age including divorcees, widows and single are eligible to join the meet in Ahmedabad.How long can you last without intercourse, beforeabstinence starts negatively influencing and affecting your overall health? How well do you know your "sexual watch"? How well can you interpret your "need" for having sex? Can this need be calmed and oppressed just by the tender gestures of your partner or do you need an entire sexual "show" to feel completely satisfied? Since most people do not ask themselves these kind of questions, there are often conflicts due to the difference between the behaviour and the sexual needs of everyone.
What are your priorities? Sex is, undoubtedly, a necessity of the body, based on two coordinates: reproduction and the tendency to socialize, to permanently cooperate with those around us. Survival on long periods of time is based to humans' abilities to live in groups, which involves the birth of relations, more or less lasting or enjoyable. Most times, one of the options regarding celebrating or making an inter-human relationship official is the sexual act itself. How is your body saying you need to have sex? It might be easy to overlook your body's signals regarding the need to have sex, because many times you associate them to other problems which you probably have to deal with on a daily basis. The best way is to observe which and how many negative moods go away immediately after having sex. Keep in mind the fact that sex does not always involve two people, in other terms, consider masturbation an option.
Must-have-sex signals
- Excessive nervousness
- Long states of unjustified anxiety, migraines
- Permanent stress
- Lack of food appetite
- Lack of the need to sleep
- Contradictory feelings regarding certain persons
- Frequent sexual fantasies, especially during nighttime.
Practically, a non-existing sexual life causes a lot of reactions, more or less explicable, and in some extreme cases it can lead to severe physical and philological reactions: skin itches, irritations, anger etc. You could end up hurting the ones beside you, emotionally or even physically, because you did not "read" one of your body's cries for help.
Once you fully and completely understand your body's message: "I need sex!" it will be a lot easier for you to identify the time periods these unpleasant symptoms occur. If you manage to do this, you will also be able to prevent them. Of course, these intervals vary from person to person, and they are dependent to certain factors, such as age, sex, lifestyle, physical condition, pregnancy, menopause etc. All in all, make sure you take some time and really analyze yourself and your body, your needs and your desires, and that way you will manage to understand the course of action you have to take so that everything returns on its' right normal "path" again. Many people want to refer to them as “gold diggers”, “funeral chasers” and other cruel names simply because they are young and single and looking for an older man for a unique relationship. These ladies are none of these things. They are confident and self-assured and know what they want in a man. By no means are they “gold diggers”.These women are not unique in their quest to be with older men. Many young ladies are saying goodbye to uncouth and selfish, immature guys and introducing themselves to caring and generous older men. If you look around when
you are out and about, you will realize these relationships are not oddities; they are becoming the norm.
Single, young women are seeking relationships with older men because they appreciate the advantages that come from dating someone with more life experience. The advantages include:Being with a confident and mature individual. Older men have lots of life experience, and they are comfortable in their own skins. They are not trying to change themselves or anyone else. They are also not looking for a mommy figure or someone to care for them. These men are more than capable of handling their own needs.
Being treated like a real lady. Males with some years under their belt are gentle and caring. They treat ladies like ladies and not as worthless possessions that can be treated carelessly. These men believe in romance, long conversations, and fifty-fifty relationships. If their women are not happy, they are not happy.
Being showered with affection. Older gentlemen are generous to a fault, financially and sexually. They give to show their companions how much they care, not because they want to get something back.
The advantages listed above are examples of how mature men behave. Young men are too narcissistic to be able to conduct themselves in such a manner, and this is why women are seeking out older gentlemen for affairs. No female in her right mind would settle for fool’s gold when the real thing is within dating distance.
Obviously, as soon as word had leaked out that he intended to end his single status, friends, relatives and well-wishers had crawled out of the woodwork with “suitable” offers, much to his parents’ delight. Mr. Eligible Bachelor had, of course, made it eminently clear that he did NOT want a dumb bimbette type, no matter how ornamental or how good a home-maker she may be. The deciding factor would be education and intelligence, that’s it—a girl on the same intellectual bandwidth as himself, y’know.Anyways, to cut a long story short, the list of girls was pared down to four or five probables who fulfilled the essential qualifications he had enumerated. But surprisingly, not one of these hopefuls could pass the acid test. Instead of choosing from any of these smart, qualified women, he chose… ah, this was, like I said, “interesting”… a very homely girl with no academic or career aspirations to talk of. She looked good, behaved charmingly, cooked well and talked knowledgeably only about Hindi movies! Now wasn’t she just the type that our young man wouldn’t touch with a bargepole? Then what prompted him to choose her? Pretty difficult to figure out, isn’t it? Now you know why I found his matrimonial alliance “very interesting”?
The obvious reason for his choice seems to be the age-old hang-up boys have about wanting wives who are just like their Moms—you know, great cooks and home-makers and no identity of their own. Apparently, women with high IQ do not qualify as good “wife material”! Sounds retro, but recent studies by British and American universities have proved this beyond a shred of doubt! Whether they admit it or not, many men are not comfortable with having intellectual, academic, career women as their wives. Oh yes, they’d think that such women are great fun, peppy conversationalists and terrific company—only as long as they are other men’s wives! C’mon guys, that doesn’t make us women feel too good about ourselves… we wish you’d accept us and love us for who we are—intelligent, sensible, stupid, whatever. Why should your macho image feel pampered if your wife has an average or below average IQ? Sounds to me that you men lack self-confidence! Is that it, huh?Wanting a wife to be a devoted home-maker is NOT preposterous—in fact, that his how God had planned the scheme of things and every man wants a comfortable home and well-cared for family to come back to. But wanting her to have no aspirations or identity of her own definitely IS. Just let your wife decide for herself who she wants to be—housewife or career woman (and the two are not mutually exclusive in the majority of cases). And love her for her choice. Remember, if she loves you, she’ll never try to usurp your place in the sun. So what are you afraid of? If you are, take a long hard look inwards. Maybe your own insecurities are acting up; maybe you are not as great as you think you are. If that is the case, buddy, you’ve got to reshuffle your priorities.Actually, with more and more women getting educated and bagging lucrative jobs these days, this problem is becoming a hydra-headed monster. Many of the young men I spoke to on this subject wanted women to either give up their careers after marriage, or at least put it on the back-burner in preference, or rather deference (!), to home, hearth and kids ! Nothing wrong with the sentiment if it is kept in perspective—that is, if the men too are intent on being involved in the upbringing of the children and in giving them a stable home, good education and sound values. But to consider it a woman’s duty alone to bring up the kids…no, that’s not fair.
See, what I am getting at is that we women would like to be loved for the persons we are, and be married for the same reasons—not because we increase our men’s market value, or boost their egos or please their mamas. Can you do that, guys? C’mon, we are no threat to you if we are intelligent, and neither are we a shame for you if we are not. We are women, and we love our men, that’s all. And we’d do anything for love, trust us.
One of the most significant losses with advancing age is the loss of intimacy. Many seniors have no opportunity for physical contact, affectionate dialogue, snuggling, or shared secrets. The actual act of intercourse is only one possible form of sexual expression. The continuing development of your sexual identity and the evolution of your own form of sexual expression with advancing years represents, in many ways, the most basic expression of your self.
One fascinating recent study showed that men who have more than two orgasms per week have lower mortality statistics. But these numbers only demonstrate a correlation between sexual activity and longevity, they do not prove that sex prolongs life. What is probably true is that people who are well, and vigorous enough to engage in sexual activity are also healthier in general. But I believe that sexual activity, in its many forms, can be physically, intellectually, and even spiritually fulfilling. It is often a good form of exercise, and it can stimulate the brain and promote good mental function. For some, sexual expression represents the most elemental manifestation of true self.
Some people, either by choice or by necessity, find much gratification in sexual self-stimulation. There may be some resistance to this form of self-exploration by people who were raised with the idea that self-stimulation is “dirty” or perverted. But many who have overcome this resistance have been exhilarated by a whole new experience.
Others explore sexual sharing in new ways with a longtime partner, or with a new partner. And still others, especially elderly women, have discovered new intimacies with same-sex partners, even after spending most of their adult lives in heterosexual relationships. Again, the key to satisfaction and fulfillment with sexual experience in later life is individual choice.
Women’s bodies change is some of the following ways:
The entire male sexual response tends to slow down in the following ways:
Many chronic diseases that elderly people experience can also modify sexual expression.
Chronic lung disease: Chronic lung disease can lead to breathlessness.
Arthritis: Arthritis may impair the ability to use some positions for sex.
Embarrassment: Some older persons may find that embarrassment over the loss of a breast, or the presence of a colostomy bag or some other apparatus, may inhibit free sexual expression, especially with a new partner.
Medications: For other people, medications taken for many chronic diseases, especially hypertension and heart disease, may cause either a loss of libido or impaired performance.
Make the most of foreplay: Take all the time that you often didn’t have in your younger days to pleasure each other or yourself.
Communicate: Share what makes you feel good with your partner.
Use your sensory skill: Take time to explore in great detail all the tactile, visual, auditory, and even olfactory aspects of being intimate.
Play with the mood: Take time to set the stage for a special experience – experiment with lighting, music, candles, oils, perfumes, and incense. Try a new place.
Here are some suggestions for older women:
Vaginal estrogens: Some women with extreme vaginal dryness and irritation may benefit from a short course of vaginal estrogens, but remember that estrogens are absorbed through the vagina, and the systemic effects of estrogens, both positive and negative, should be considered and discussed with your doctor. If you use estrogen cream, use as little as is effective for as short a time as possible to get the desired effect. Of course, you may be taking oral estrogens for other reasons, in which case you will also experience beneficial effects on the vagina.
Here are some thoughts for older men:
Don’t fall into the ageist trap of thinking that sex is only for the young. Sexuality in your older years is all about breaking down stereotypes, open communication, individual choices, and embarking on a path of wonderful self-discovery. Enjoy!
At a time when sexual incompatibility is fast becoming one of the main reasons for marriages falling apart, does it make sense to have a sexual contract before couples tie the knot?
It's a question that psychologist Seema Hingoranny had to address recently. She says, "I was counselling a live-in couple trying to resolve a deadlock so that they could make the switch from cohabitation to marriage. The couple had penned down their sexual rules on a piece of paper, but were not sure if they would be able to adhere to them. Sceptical about whether this could take a toll on their impending marriage, the couple decided to hold off till they'd resolved the matter." While in this case, both partners were open to the idea of having a sexual contract, not everyone shares that comfort level. Also, while this couple went on to list their sexual preferences on a document, they did not want to bind themselves to a legal contract.
The new pre-nup? Riya Singh, a call centre executive, says, "The concept of a sexual contract is pretty narrow and does not cover all aspects of a marriage like division of property, spousal support in the event of a divorce or breakup, and conditions about guardianship of kids (if the couple decides to have any in the future). It cannot replace the pre-nup because of this limitation. Also, marriage cannot be conducted like a business. How many couples would want to go public with their sexual demands stipulated in a contract? You can have sexual rules instead that both are willing to agree to."
Rules for sex or a contract? Hingoranny says, "A sexual contract will make the marriage mechanical and business like, killing empathy and sensitivity, which is required in any good relationship. I always tell my clients, 'Go with the flow... no rules, only love'." Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Varkha Chulani, adds, "Signing a sexual contract can't guarantee sexual relations. Sex, is a result of the overall relationship. It is best to have a contract that will specify that the partners will work hard towards the relationship and seek professional help if necessary to iron out their problems. Sex will automatically become a byproduct of that rather than as a stand alone in the relationship."
Why the need for such a contract? According to Chulani, sexual compatibility often becomes an incompatibility when relations begin to sour. Over time, when the equation between spouses begins to deteriorate, sex takes a beating. She says, "If you have sexual incompatibility at the start of the relationship, it is best to sort it before you tie the knot. Regularity of sex may also be a result of other factors the couple needs to comprehend and correct to have good relations. Signing contracts is hardly a way of determining frequency, let alone quality to good sexual connections.".
- Being with a confident and mature individual. Older men have lots of life experience, and they are comfortable in their own skins. They are not trying to change themselves or anyone else. They are also not looking for a mommy figure or someone to care for them. These men are more than capable of handling their own needs.
- Being treated like a real lady. Males with some years under their belt are gentle and caring. They treat ladies like ladies and not as worthless possessions that can be treated carelessly. These men believe in romance, long conversations, and fifty-fifty relationships. If their women are not happy, they are not happy.
- Being showered with affection. Older gentlemen are generous to a fault, financially and sexually. They give to show their companions how much they care, not because they want to get something back.
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